With or Without You

Yes, that is the song that was playing when the numbness subsided and I positioned myself at the Spot to have some lunch, just so I could get out of the house. And I must say that with that lunch, I wanted a beer because that is what she would have wanted...she had said that when she got out of that hospital that she wanted to have a beer, so in her honor, I am obeying her wishes.

I had this really disgusting feeling last night. I was at The Spot and out of nowhere, I just got really sad. The pit in my stomach. Feeling extremely anxious. The tears ready to escape my eyes. I left shortly thereafter, called my mom who didn't answer, and then spoke to my sister who was able to calm me down...just a bit. For whatever reason, I just knew something was not right, but tried fighting it with other things I am currently facing like finding a job and not having any money. But I just knew it felt like more...

I even slept with my phone beside me, with the ringer on, which I never do. And I wasn't sleeping...just tossing and turning all night long. Then it happened. I got the call. The call I have been dreading since arriving here in Denver. It was 7:00 AM Mountain time and once I saw it was my mom on the caller ID, I just knew. My sweet, loving granny had died.

Mom said she went peacefully around 5:30 AM (Eastern time), with both my aunt and her by her side, which is very comforting as she had been in and out of the hospital for about 7 years now. She is finally at peace, no longer having to do breathing treatments, no longer doped up on morphine...she is now among all of the angels where she belongs.

And even though mom assured me that Granny was proud of me for moving to Denver, here I am, feeling so unbelievably selfish for moving away and not being able to comfort my family during this difficult time. Please please keep my family and me in your thoughts...